apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Randomize
