This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
