I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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