Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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