Do you still have your period?
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
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I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
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Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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