They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
