two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
