Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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