His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
