i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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