I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
i now understand why vodka
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
