thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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