clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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