i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
