Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Of course I have a pirate flag
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
