How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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