Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just gift wrapped bread.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
