Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
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How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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