I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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