i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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