I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
