Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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