i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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