I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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