So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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