One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
MIDGETS
????
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
