you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
