I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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