o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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