Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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