brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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