My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
