Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
