So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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