Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
