That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
