I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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