i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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