I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
