ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
