i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
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Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
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I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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