saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
How does one acquire holy water?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
