My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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