I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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