i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
