I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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