Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
