i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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