Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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