If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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