What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
