If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
