So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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