don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
