im about as happy as oj after his trial
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
