how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
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