New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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