It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I got her a Nickelback box set.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
